He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
