dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
