im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
