my phone needs a breathalizer
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
