And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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