Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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