Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
