oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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