When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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