I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
