When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
