My room smells like vodka and shame
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
