how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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