He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
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he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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