Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
