i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
