is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
