Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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