Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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