so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
