Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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