Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
