I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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