You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We left the knife in your bed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
