the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
