The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
