I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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