So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
