They should really pass out barf bags in church
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
