now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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