A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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