"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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