Best friends brother. Beat that.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
ttyl tear gas
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
