His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
