I wish I only lived at night.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
