I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
