omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
