Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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