Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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