Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
