your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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