just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
