Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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