i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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