the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
