You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
