dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
