I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
