One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
