dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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