Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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