Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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