I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
