ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
