WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
