how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize