He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
