Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
