when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
