Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
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