i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize