all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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